Gone Girl

I’m not really ready to talk about everything, I just figured I haven’t written in a while and maybe somebody is wondering if I’ve dropped off the face of the earth.

So where do I start.

Basically, I’ve decided to take a break from tennis.

The end.

Jk.

A couple weeks before Wimbledon I made the decision to take at least 6 months off from the sport. It wasn’t any easy choice to make but it felt a little bit like a long time coming. Since the start of being a pro, any time I’d go through a rough patch the thought of taking a break would bubble up. But then I’d find a way to get through it and the feeling would calm down again.

I wish I had a contemplative reason as to what prompted the hiatus. To be honest my coach and sports psychologist were the ones that pushed for it while I was very much on the fence. I wanted to keep playing, I wanted to keep trying. Even after a brutal loss I still had hope that I could turn it around. I thought I could push through, like I’d always done before.

Whenever I have a hard decision to make, I always follow my gut. No matter what my team says, or what I want, my subconscious has a mind of its own. I’m grateful that in most cases I can navigate my way through the innumerable thoughts in my head. And while I wish things turned out differently, whatever the conscious says, goes.

So here I am, a quitter.

Ironically whenever I’ve heard that a player is taking a break from tennis I always think good for them. But of course when I do it I feel like I’m taking the coward’s way out.

Two and a half months later it’s still been hard to come to terms with my choice. I haven’t really delved into anything deep yet, and I still haven’t fully processed my last loss. It’s been hard feeling like I’m just letting time pass while I sit and make no progress, but I’m not ready to take any steps forward.

I’m not usually the kind of person that ignores her problems and acts like everything’s fine, but I’ve been cosplaying her pretty well for the last couple months. My overall mood has been *meh*. Not bad, not great, just kinda the same. I’ll go into detail about all the off-court adventures I’ve been getting up to another time.

I’m not used to turning the other cheek to all those deep scary feelings. It feels sneaky. But if it’s what the doctor ordered then so be it. And by doctor I mean me. And while I have no medical qualifications, I know that I am not in the right headspace to deal with all of the discombobulation in this old dome.

So no updates yet, just a to be continued…